Dreaming of India

Oh, I dream of India. I dream of sand between my toes,
skirt touching my knees and shade of banyan tree hiding my bare shoulders

I dream of watching the eagles circle the little islands,
I dream of being as free as they are.
Basking in the warmth, without a worry, without anger; peaceful, content.
Warm.
I want to blend in the layers of pure perfection of the stars filled sky, deep black sea and glittering beach... Palm tree forest behind me, clean, warm, midnight waters touching my feet... I can see the stars bathing in the shallows on my beach.

I love India  - and I miss it as a child misses its mother.



The saddest thing is that I would also miss England if I was to stay in India for too long. Oh, why did I wish to see the world?

A Village person and the 'all-new'

Does it all come down to my birth and early life in a small community?

Having observed my feeling at a loss with all the new faces and names at my humongous university campus, and looking back onto my recent past and then making a comparison between the two social situations, I come to a conclusion that my present dissatisfaction with the 'all-new' stems from the fact that I was once just a small-village girl.

The initial start in life prepared me for comfort within places where everybody knows one another. This led me to small places with strong sense of community where I always tend to feel at ease, happy and content. In London I belonged to a couple of small social groups, a small and friendly pub, a small class of mature students etc. My work places were never large business. Usually 3 or 5 staff. How can I then come to a university which has 5000 new students each year and feel comfortable whilst I sit in a lecture theater of 400?

People rush past one another, brushing against each other, pulling faces, shouting, shy, vain... Some demonstrating their own bodies' favourite parts as one might in a Hollywood movie.
One of my co-students wore a white vest (the 20s Italian gangster style) today. He has a lovely torso that made me smile upon my glancing it. Whilst a young woman's shirt was unbuttoned all the way to under her breasts clearly showing an absence of a bra. Teaching staff must have a right ball of a time whilst the students attempt to make an impression on one another.

In the meantime I am pining for the familiar.

Thank god my old friend is in town to stay and he is just about to knock on my front door.

Shocking!

So it seems that I have deliberately chosen a shaky path with thorny walls. However, it is based on a thick layer of happiness of love. And the more it shakes the more it shines with the most luminous light one can ever feel.

In Bosnia I am English and in England I am Bosnian who can pass as English to all the long-term-relationship friends. Now I am a 'mature' student in what seems to be a predominantly a very baby-faced environment on my (rated 7th out of 69, impressive: I think!) undergraduate course.

I was asked if I was 18!hahha... Shocking, how very shocking to always be sticking out. A paradox of desire to be normal yet achieving quite the opposite. If I was to be 'normal' I would be a married woman with a couple of kids and a carrier. It is time that one regards normality as an abstract when glancing at a woman such as myself.

Gallivanting over

Over a month had passed before my return to London. No more gallivanting through the forests and the hills of my homeland. Bosna is back east, still doing it's same thing as yesterday. I miss it. I miss the space and the green green green trees everywhere you turn. The friendly faces and at least three separate visitors per day. I miss the coffee house where everyone knows my name even if I have forgotten theirs. And, most of all I miss the hugs and kisses of all my friends and their genuine smiles when they see my face.  Life was very sweet that month of August 2011.

Here, back in London I have seen some of my friends who I love so dearly. They are precious and as fabulous as one would wish ones friends to be. They are my friends who know me as an adult.

Here in London, I am busy. I am shooting a lot. Getting a little money for it too. Time is an essential necessity right now because i have three days before I become engaged in my full time study! I am again a student! Oh, so very exciting.  :)

Tears

I wondered back a few years this evening and without even a glimpse of sadness: tears came. A replay of an event which can be characterised as one of my earliest (and consciously grasped) wisdoms. Although an event one might associate with sadness, I felt none. Yet, tears would tell me otherwise. Numb sadness, I wonder.